Life may not be the party you hoped for, but while you are here, you might as well dance

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

It's 2:00 a.m. I hear a voice across the darkness. "Mommy!" I run to his room. He screeches and screams. He's hysterical. I go through routines until I find the one that is the salve this time. He looks at me and says "bed" - he wants me to stay. I am awake and tired but couldn't be happier. I cuddle my little boy close to me. His chubby hand pats my arm gently. I nuzzle his velvet cheek and breathe in his Johnson and Johnson's hair. For the moment I live the dream I had all those months I carried him. I cradle the little boy I imagined I'd have. For a moment I forget the life we have - therapy, meds, tantrums, hysteria - it all fades into the background as my angel actually welcomes my attention. I feel his foot shift and I will the dream not to end. It shifts again. I know what's coming but I hold onto the moment for as long as I can. A rhythmic pattern emerges. He's stimming. Reality slams into the room like a spotlight being switched on. The screaming starts. I'm no longer welcome. He has returned to his own world. But thank you, God, for my visit with the angel from my dreams tonight. I hold onto the dream praying one day "autism" won't be part of our vocabulary. And I go back to my bed and sleep to gain strength for another day.

Lord, this wasn't the party we hoped for, but we know your ways are higher than our ways and we praise you for the chance to see a beautiful side of life and experience your world through a different perspective. Thank you for the strength to meet this challenge!

Even in the Desert...

"Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land the Lord promised on oath to your ancestors. 2 Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. . . 6 Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in obedience to him and revering him. 7 For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land —a land with brooks, streams, and deep springs gushing out into the valleys and hills; 8 a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; 9 a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills. 10 When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you." ~ Deuteronomy 8:1-10

I read these verses as part of my daily devotional this morning, and boy did I ever need to hear their message.

My family is a military family.  I spent 8 years on active duty with the Air Force.  My husband is currently in year 10 of his service.  When I joined the military, I was excited for the adventure - see new places, meet new people, engage in exciting missions.  In my first six and a half years, the Air Force let me live in Alabama, Germany, Mississippi, Texas, and Virginia, and my duties took me to 27 countries and 37 different US states.  My husband lived in Colorado, Mississippi, Oklahoma, and Washington state, and regularly flew his C-17 to points all over the globe.  It was a whirlwind of adventure.

Then in my last year and a half of service, I moved to New Mexico, and my soon-to-be husband also took an assignment here... and it all stopped.

Four years, almost 2 more kids (one is due in 5 weeks), and a second house (to fit our growing family) later, here we are.  His daily grind in the new aircraft and the new mission he joined to be with me here has become only more grinding and some days, completely pulverizing.

And even though I did my own time in the service and I know the drill -- salute sharply and execute - period -- it doesn't always make the sacrifice any easier.

If you've read previous blogs, you know our four years here have been rewarding, but also challenging - our marriage, court battles, the loss of a child, career changes, the birth of a child, more court battles, the coming of another baby - you name it.  And recently, I have begun to get discouraged in still being here.  It's time to move on.  It seems everyone else who relocated when we did is at least one, if not two assignments removed from this place.  Among those who haven't moved yet, it seems like there's at least a light at the end of their tunnel - a new airframe, a staff job... yet here we sit.  The few other families who are still hanging in on a similar timeline seem to be having a similar experience.  This particular job and location take a toll unlike other assignments for many reasons.

I will also be completely honest - I am tired of being away from my family, and they are definitely not coming here!  For once I would like to have a baby with my family present (not that I don't love every one of the girlfriends at the different points of the globe who've stepped in to help with my three previous births - but selfishly, I do want my mom or sisters around).  I want to be able to just pop in and say "hi" to my parents, I want to have coffee with one of my many siblings without traveling 8 - 12 hours to do so.  I want my kids to see their cousins at church with them on Sunday.

But, right now, that isn't part of the plan.  And that's okay.  When God led the Israelites into the desert, He provided for them.  For 40 years "[their] clothes did not wear out and [their] feet did not swell" (Deuteronomy 8:4).  They weren't "home" - they weren't in the land God had planned for them to flourish.  They were in the desert - in a transient place.  I am sure the journey was grinding and sometimes pulverizing.  I am sure their families sometimes got discouraged.  But God met their every need.  And God has met our every need.  We have a beautiful home, well-adjusted children, and amazing network of friends and surrogate family here in New Mexico.  We are part of a loving, mission-minded church.  Our church family has embraced us and our children just as if we were "home folk".  We have become a part of this community and love the people.

So my prayer today is that I will remember: that there is a promised future; that when God tests my heart and humbles me, that I will keep His commands; that though this time is challenging, something else is coming - and when it does we will "praise the Lord [our] God for the good land he has given us."  And I pray we keep our eyes focused, lest we forget to "observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in obedience to him and revering him" (Deuteronomy 8:6).  And most of all, I pray I will keep close to my heart and mind all the good and wonderful things He has given us through our time here in New Mexico - relationships, blessings, lessons learned - and we trust and believe there's so much more yet to come.  Thank you, Lord, for our time here.

Thank you, Lord, for reminding me today to trust you.

Frogs and snails and puppy-dogs' tails

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  Jeremiah 29:11

In the hallway between my two oldest sons' bedrooms, I have a picture.  It appears to be the hands of an adult male wrapped around the hands of a small child whose head is bowed in prayer.  To the right of the picture is the verse above.  I see that picture everyday, and often am struck that God, the God of the universe, has a plan for each of my boys... they weren't accidents or mistakes.  They are divinely appointed creations of a merciful and loving Father.

And some days when I see that picture, I look up to Heaven and say "REALLY, GOD?!"  I love clean.  I love tranquility.  I love rules, order, and discipline.  I love organization and calm and and structure.  And God made me... I would also argue, He made me this way.  And that verse applies to me as well - He knows the plans He has for me.  And in His divine, omnipotent, omniscient wisdom... he gave me THREE sons.

Sometimes I think He did this just for the comic value in watching me run around like a headless chicken trying in vain to suck up every grain of dirt with the Dustbuster, while simultaneously wiping the finger prints off the stainless steel appliances, en route to the bedroom with an armful of errant toys who somehow escaped from their assigned rooms, as I yell across the room "no shoes on the carpet" to one and "don't forget to wash your hands" to the other as he emerges from the restroom.

And the older my boys get, the funnier this scene must be. 

Some kids collect baseball cards or action figures.  Mine collect rocks, leafs, and all manner of other things that God put on this earth OUTSIDE of the home, with (in my humble opinion) no intention of having them cross the threshold.  Some kids bring home stray animals.  I am pleased my children don't do this as (you can imagine) an animal would not mesh well with my cleanliness rules.  However, what my children DO collect is stray children. 

My seven-year-old actually went door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for kids.  And, when he found them, he brought them all home with him - complete with shoes on the carpet, rocks in their pockets, and that special puppy-dog smell that is exclusive to little boys who've been playing outside! 

Good, former-military officer that I am, I stop them all in their tracks for the inprocessing briefing!  Shoes lined up by the wall in the foyer, no food away from the table, no drinks out of the kitchen, no troop-movement among the assigned toys (each must remain with the unit they are stationed with -- in other words, they don't leave their rooms).  But, I always find a rule I should have briefed: doors are used for passing through and nothing more (exterior doors only open for personnel movements, interior doors remain open, we do not play with doors); light sabers are for outside (these are an exception to the toy troop-movement restrictions); karate IS NOT practiced inside; we do not have pillow fights (this includes: using pillows as shields, "touching" with a pillow, and even "but we weren't fighting, we were playing nice!"); hands must be washed after bathroom, before eating, and after outside; we never touch the walls (WHY do children need to touch walls?); trash goes (GASP) in the trashcan; hand towels should be replaced on hooks after hand washing; we ask to be excused from the dinner table; you eat what you get or you wait for the next meal; and the list goes on and on...

An afternoon play date can take more out of me physically and mentally than a short tour in the desert.  If given the option, I might choose the latter!

And yet, knowing this... knowing this is who I am... God also knows the plans He has for me... and He has blessed my home with three precious little boys who I love more than anything in the world. 

So, okay God... I trust you, and even if this part of your plan is purely based on entertainment value, I know you have plans for these young men.  I just pray that you be patient and guide me as I guide them, show me when and where to give, and let them emerge from this upbringing unscathed by all the restrictions and procedures. 

And P.S.  Lord, please help me find a product to get the puppy-dog smell out of the carpet and couch!

One of those days...

‎"But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head. I cried to the LORD with my voice, And He heard me from His holy hill. I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the LORD sustained me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people. Who have set themselves against me all around." Psalm 3:3-6

 

My sister reminded me of this verse today.  How true and how humbling.

 

At the beginning of my day, my soul was stirring.  The Enemy takes many forms in this world to steal, kill and destroy.  He will stop at nothing to rob us of all of our joy.

 

It seems that every time something is happening for our family to celebrate - our marriage, our first pregnancy, our current pregnancy and the impending birth of our son - someone or something is used by the Enemy to try to stamp out our flame of joy.

 

If I allowed myself, I could spend my time in a constant state of worry and distress, continually looking for the arrows that have been promised to be aimed at me.  But God is a God of peace and rest.  He is my shield, my glory, and the lifter of my head.  I called to Him today, in my own prayers and in the blessed prayers of many friends and family who are faithful to lift me up.  And now, I can lie down and rest, for I know God protects me and will sustain me.

 

Blessed assurance.  What a gift.  I am so unworthy and yet God is still so good.

And the Two Shall Become One Flesh

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."  Genesis 2:24

On the occasion of the first recorded marriage, after the creation of Adam and Eve, God said to them: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."  One Flesh.

Though God himself doesn't perform our modern marriage ceremonies, when we are married in the presence of God, we are joined to our spouse far more significantly than "the powers vested by the state of" where ever could ever bond a couple.  We are united to our partner and become one, one flesh, one body.

I think the closest I can come to comprehending the kind of commitment that comes from being "one flesh" is being a parent.  My children are flesh of my flesh.  I honestly love them more than my own life and will go to great lengths and incredible sacrifices for them.  But, those same little people, at times, drive me absolutely crazy!!! 

Now, imagine it's one of those days (today was close!) and we are at the playground when along comes a little guy who is (can it be?) cuter than my own.  He's more captivating, more charismatic, and has the most charming smile and melodic laugh.  Do I leave my son in the sandbox and take off into Utopia with my new-found angel?  I can't even fathom that!  But even if I could, I know that once I claimed this "perfect" little specimen as my own, I would begin to uncover reality.  No one is perfect.  The diapers of the perfect child stink just as bad as those padding the bottoms of my own children.

So why is it then, in marriage, too often people are quick to leave their own "flesh" at the curb?  I don't ask this to condemn, as I have been there myself.  But having been there, I know firsthand the ramifications of such a choice.  I have never lost a finger or a toe or any part of my physical body, but through my own choices, I have lost a piece of my flesh - the flesh God created when he joined me in marriage to another. Losing a piece of your flesh, whether by your choice or not, leaves a mark on your heart, on your soul, on your memory... a mark you will never walk away from.

In the course of any marriage, the man or woman will likely encounter someone who is more attractive, more comical, more successful, more "caring", or more accommodating than their mate.  There will likely be someone who comes along with the power to make one partner or the other "feel alive" again, or for the first time.  Someone will probably make you wives feel beautiful.  Someone will likely make you husbands feel more like a man.  Newsflash: That someone also has flaws!  Maybe he doesn't put his clothes in the hamper, forgets to put the seat down, or squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube.  Perhaps she is an indiscriminate spender, always leaves the dishes in the sink overnight, or hates all mothers-in-law.  Should you choose to remove a piece of your own flesh to follow this "perfect" specimen, you'll find that nobody is perfect.


Today I am watching a scene unfold and praying for the man and the woman involved.  I pray that there is a change of heart and that neither will have to suffer the lifelong pain of losing a piece of the flesh they are through their union in Christ.  I wish I could get through and let one of them know the grass isn't greener.  From where I stand, the words I hear sound too familiar and the heart seems too far gone, but in Christ all things are possible.


Please keep this couple in your prayers.

And tonight, if you are blessed enough to have an imperfect partner who leaves the seat up or doesn't always put their dishes in the sink, thank them for loving imperfect you, and thank God for the gift they are. 

What is a Family?

"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you." Exodus 20:12

I woke up this morning to an email about "roles and titles" in our family.  My "family" is about as nontraditional as they come.  I have a Mom, and a Mom and Dad, and in-laws I call Mom and Dad.  I have grandparents, in-law-type grandparents, siblings, step-siblings, step-nephews, nieces who are adopted by a step-father so legally part of another family though still very much in mine, a husband who is a step-dad to my kids, sons who are half-brothers, a son who has other brothers and a mom.  Our family tree is full of branches,sprouts, and saplings in the shade... and I love it!

Mother's Day and Father's Day are always interesting holidays in our home.  I work very hard to balance a recognition for all Father's/Mother's in our childrens' lives, as well as my own.  This year, we celebrated Father's Day with other families and honored all of the fathers present. 

My husband is for the first time, an "official" father-to-be, but to say he isn't a father already would be to downplay what he does do.  He doesn't want to ever take the place of our sons' biological dads, but he will be the best male-parent role-model and example of a loving husband he can be.

In his Father's Day card, I wrote him this on "What is a Dad":

A man isn't a dad just because he caused a child to come into the world.  Dad is the man who is perched beside Mom with the camera ready when a baby takes his first steps.  He's the man who stays up late into the night putting together a little boy's first tricycle.  Dad's right there with Mom at the Emergency Room at any hour day or night when a fever spikes or a cough doesn't sound right.  He's "Santa" and the "Tooth Fairy" and every other holiday icon.  He's running behind the two wheeler holding the seat while Mom clicks pictures from the sidewalk.  He's the man who works all day and comes home to practice football drills in the backyard with a 6-year old who has quarterback dreams.  He's a wrestling opponent, a horse, a knight, or strong arms to cradle a hurting child. 

Dad is the man who stays by Mom's side from the beginning.  He holds her hand when the ultrasound shows it's another boy.  He's sitting bedside at every trip to Labor and Delivery and breathing a sigh of relief when the doctor gives the all clear.  He rubs Mom's swollen feet and helps around the house.  He talks softly to his little man each night with his hand resting gently on Mom's ever growing belly.  He'll be the first eyes his son looks into, and one of the first voices welcoming his little one into the world.  And then... he'll be the man who is perched beside Mom with the camera ready when baby takes his first steps... the man who stays up late into the night putting together a little boy's first tricycle... the man next to Mom at the Emergency Room... "Santa"... the "Tooth Fairy"...

I choose to honor him for the father he is and the father he will be.  I choose to honor my son's step-mom for the woman she is and the love she gives him every day when I can't be there.  I choose to honor my sons' biological fathers because they are a part of who my sons are and the identities they hold dear. 


Sure, it can get confusing.  Sure there was tension at various points, but the one constant has been love.

Politics are not good for ones health!

Today, I am expressing discontent with both my President, and some of my fellow Americans.  Monday is Memorial Day.  As a veteran who spent 8 years on active duty, and as a military wife who is called on to kiss my husband goodbye and let him walk into harm's way at a moment's notice, Memorial Day has special meaning to me. 

Arlington National Cemetery also has special meaning to me and many active duty members and veterans worldwide.  It's not just a place - it's a symbol of all who gave the ultimate sacrifice for the freedoms we enjoy in this country.  It is where people I personally know, and those who I never had to fortune of knowing but am connected to by virtue of our being comrades in arms, are laid to rest.

Since 1992, when we were not at war, on only one occasion has an American President foregone the Memorial Day Service at Arlington National Cemetery.  That was when President Bush joined Veterans Affairs Secretary Anthony Principi, Secretary of State Colin Powell, and a bipartisan congressional delegation for services at the American cemetery in Normandy, France, honoring those who paid the ultimate sacrifice on D-Day on the beaches at Normandy.  The joint visit of this grooup


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